funny how falling can feel like flying, for a little while.

we try so hard to make it seem like we are doing so great with our lives.
like we are totally better off.

i guess i was one drink short from confessing all my insecurities. how lonely london feels. and how feeling out of place is just a permanent thing now.

last night i had the strangest dream.

i was on a boat in the middle of this river. on my right was paris and on my left was london.

there was this event, something like a fashion show, going on.

suddenly, i was sitting in front of a table, being randomly sad about the fact that i would never become a model (too short, too fat, whatever). 

then i started drawing a card for my dad. and suddenly these models were coming up behind me telling me how i would be a great illustrator and i should really be doing this for a living instead of spending all my time taking 'boring photographs'.

and then my alarm decided to go off.

an ironic dream really - given my current situation.

oh well, at least compliments are always nice. even if theyre only in your dream.

bookish perfection.

'i have this strange feeling that im not myself anymore. its hard to put into words, but i guess its like i was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling.' - hakuri murakami, sputnik sweetheart

continuing my attempt to read multiple books at the same time because im an indecisive person and also because i get distracted easily by the next interesting book/thing/whatever i encounter.

recently ive been staying up late a lot, reading novels and silently making negotiations with myself - '10 more pages then ill go to sleep/ one more chapter/ actually, two more! oops now its 6am...'
anyway, the latest book ive been reading is sputnik sweetheart by hakuri murakami, ive always came across quotes by this author and liked them a lot but this is the first book by him that ive actually started reading. it was a random choice among his work - i liked the name and last sentence of the back-of-the-book description.

i think im around half way through the book now and i already cant wait to read everything else that he had written. every line is so beautifully written, yet so sad at the same time. its not the kind of apparent sadness but that deep sorrow that makes you reflect on similar encounters/experiences in your own life. not in a depressing way though. more like, someone just described your inner emotions out loud and youre half scared because someone just saw right through you, but also half hopeful because someone out there actually understands.

being addicted to this sort of bookish perfection really makes accepting reality quite difficult. especially during conversations or events that dont follow plot structure. which is practically all the time. so i write, get all caught up in my own thoughts and pretend im some sort of tragic hero. (even when i have multiple deadlines the next day and have accepted the fact that i will not be getting any sleep tonight.)

its my way of ignoring life.

10 most awkward moments in life ever.

1. waving back at someone who wasnt actually saying hi to you in the first place.

2. falling up the stairs. (no seriously, that actually happened.)

3. walking into a glass door. and then trying to pretend nothing happened while people behind you laugh, out loud.

4. pretending to understand what the other person is saying, nodding along and all. then they ask you actual questions and proceed to realize how incredibly stupid you are.

5. getting caught saying something lame ridiculously loud because everyone in the room just randomly decided to stop talking and witness your retardedness.

6. walking into the wrong bathroom. and not realizing until you run into someone of the opposite gender inside who points it out to you.

7. listening to someone talk and trying to drink from your cup/can/bottle at the same time while still maintaining eye contact. then miss your mouth and spill shit on yourself.

8. getting stuck talking to that weird person on the plane/bus/train next to you.

9. opening your mouth in an attempt to say something nice back to whoever just gave you a compliment but cant think of anything so you just shut up and awkwardly smile back instead.

10. just hugs in general...


yupe, my life is just an awkward struggle.

today.

today.
i dont even know how to begin describing my day.
started the day by being in denial of reality as usual.
then everything was just kind of a blur.
felt like i did a lot today.
nothing meaningful though.
felt lots of different emotions today.
but no memories really stuck.

the weather was a bit weird too.
and
i felt out of sync with the world.
as usual.
as always.

i think its just a permanent feeling now.

recently.

1. working on my 100 drawings series. i decided to do leaves and this is turning out to be one of my favourite assignments but im really behind... i think i was supposed to have around 60 drawings by now. so far, i have 25... so um yeh, kinda screwed.

2. found this old perspective drawing i did of purnell hall back in freshman year and spent the whole night being nostalgic. ive been really missing those days when i could afford to spend 5+ hours on one single drawing. i guess this just further confirms my decision in applying to art school! actually ive been working on my art portfolio recently and have been digging up old work to rephotograph. i decided to start early (or early for my standards) on grad school apps this year so i dont end up submitting a shitty statement that makes me sound like a wishy-washy teenager who doesnt know what to do with her life. (which i kind of still dont, but thats something they dont need to know...)

3. also found these sketches from my architecture days and decided to hang them all on my wall because i dont know why. maybe partly because i wish i could still draw like that. got so rusty after 4 years of being best friends with my calculator (aka engineering school)..........

4. what i did in drawing class today (which was the only class i actually managed to wake up for because it was at 6:30pm). basically what we did was start our own drawing then rotate drawings every 30 minutes so we'd be working on someone elses work. it threw me off a bit at first but i have to say these drawings turned out quite interesting. its amazing how three drawings worked on by the same three people can turn out so differently just based on the order of the people that worked on them.

sometimes, i complain a lot. about life. about not knowing what im doing. but writing all of this makes me realize that i actually have it pretty good already. because at least for now, i can still do the things i like and sit here and drink apple cider and write about them. 

which is kind of a lot more than i could ask for.

im such a sucky writer, that totally sounded like forced optimism.
but oh well, back to my readings which i completely dont understand even though i purposely stayed really sober...

sad day playlist.

1. spectacle - sean lennon
2. lies - glen hansard
3. creep - radiohead
4. almost lover - a fine frenzy
5. cannonball - damien rice
6. lonelily - damien rice
7. beautiful - belle & sebastian
8. no ones gonna love you - band of horses
9. as you are - travis
10. fix you - cold play


you know,
sometimes,
just because.